Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Then, and Now

As a recent participant in the workshop “Stepping into the Fray: Common Sense Strategies for Parenting Teens”, I got to pondering my own youth and to thinking more and more about the world my teenage sons are experiencing, versus the world in which I grew up just a few decades back.

One of the first things covered in this workshop, presented by Dr. Tammy Finch, SKILLSENSE, to the Center for Hope and Healing, was a kind of “now” vs. “then” discussion among parent participants. As we all know, so much has changed in the past few decades! Our group found it to be a helpful exercise to really look at some of these changes in depth, to better grasp the challenges our kids face – the insidiousness of kids’ social posturing (things like cyber bullying), the intrusiveness of electronics (24/7 text messaging), mounting academic pressure in addition to the old standbys – sex, drugs, alcohol.

WHAT KIDS FACE TODAY
No, this is not 80's - gone is the big hair, dorky warm-up suits and feathered hair of my adolescence. Overall, today's kids look more casual and relaxed in their outward appearance, however, they are typically dealing with more anxiety and stress than we were at this stage in their development.

Yes, our kids deal with some of the same age-old stuff we did - concern about wearing the "right" clothes (name-brand Fair Isle sweaters vs. Aeropostle hoodies) and fitting in, finding a comfortable group of friends - playing with different modes of self expression. My coolest high school friend, who changed her hair color every few months, grew up to become a successful attorney in Manhattan. A shy girl myself, I loved my brash friend's independent spirit; she was an early model of self-assurance for me. Her mom was a social worker who sighed through every color change yet loved and supported her daughter unconditionally. Dr. Finch talked of this age-old quest for self-identity, an integral part of growing up, and how our girls with the pink (or blue, or….) hair are not seeking to freak us out; they are searching for a clearer sense of themselves.  Our teens strive to develop a sense of autonomy, of independence,  and to "separate" a little from their ever-loving but sometimes overbearing parents.

And yes, we had drugs in the 80’s, quite a few of them, if memory serves. However, today's kids not only deal with exposure to booze and pot, but also with a huge array of prescription drugs as well – lifted from parents’ medicine cabinets or pirated from siblings’ (or their own) stashes of ADD meds. At Dr. Finch’s session I learned that today's marijuana is often laced with potent additives, and that kids are doing much more than smoking in the boys’ (or girls’) room. The 24/7 access kids have to one another via cell phone and the Internet gives them no space or rest time away from a frenetic social scene.

Risk-taking behavior seems like it's nearing an all-time high, with news stories about kids hurting themselves in all sorts of awful ways - drinking and driving, using/dealing prescription drugs at school, “choking” games, cutting, stressing themselves out to the nth degree due to academic pressure or the intense desire to emulate an unhealthy media-defined new concept of beauty. Today it’s not just the “stoner” types who are doing drugs, it’s also entrepreneurial affluent kids, selling ADD drugs to ambitious students in pursuit of ever-higher GPAs.

Serious, emotional stuff - the kind of issues many of our own parents would not touch with a ten-foot pole. Sure, they loved us, but for whatever reason - the stoicism of their own upbringing, the lack of knowledge of child development, the heavy-handed authoritarianism of their own parents - they lacked the resources to truly address the Big Stuff going on in our external world (sex, drugs, etc.) and within our internal worlds (stress/anxiety, body image, peer relationships). So we had to navigate some of the hardest issues on our own, with the help of our friends, books, and if we were lucky, a helpful adult mentor along the way.

PARENTING TODAY
Indeed, thinking about all of the pressures our young teens face nowadays – really does soften my heart for when my surly boy bounds through the front door in the afternoon, heading straight for his Facebook page on the home computer without a word to me. I have learned to hang back, to resist my urge to bombard him with “how was your day” chattiness – and to wait, just to be available when he is ready to talk. I have learned how to respect his need for space, and how to follow his cues so that I can “be there” when it counts. I have misstepped many a time along the way...but the more I learn and try (quietly, patiently), the better things seem to get in our relationship.

And so rather than lapsing into woe and anxiety when I think about all of the awful stuff that’s part of our kids’ lives these days, I find I’m not dismayed or daunted. Rather, I have begun to feel empowered because of the information I’ve gained, by the support I’ve sought out, and by the skills I’ve been building. I feel more capable and able to support my adolescent children because I’ve invested in putting together my personal teenage parenting “toolbox”.

One of the coolest things, I think, about parenting today is the wealth of information that we have now. The field of child development, and mental health in general, has grown so much – yielding a plethora of information, available for us to share! Through the Internet, live seminars like the ones hosted by the Center for Hope and Healing, via parent-to-parent support groups, and through compassionate sharing among one another – opportunities to learn and to grow as parents abound. What a wonderful thing when we are able to open up to one another, to share our challenges and successes. 

Our willingness to build skills so that we can better support our children through these tough teen years may make all the difference in their lives as healthy, balanced adults, and I find this to be truly hopeful.  And so off to another workshop I will go!   Whatever it takes.


P.S.
So, next week I'm off to explore the world of young men... "Where are Superheroes When You Need Them Most? Parenting Teen Boys".   It's taking place at St. Paul's on Tuesday, March 6 (7-8:30PM).  Visit the CHH website for Program info.


Maybe I'll see you there!   posted by Linda Cozzolino

Monday, February 27, 2012

Validated, Shocked, & Inspired...


...and all on a regular Tuesday night!  I felt all of these things this past week, as an attendee of the Center for Hope and Healing-sponsored program geared to parents of teens. To be honest, I'd walked into the class not expecting to learn a huge amount - for I'd taken a course over the summer (St. Pauls' excellent MOMS sessions*) in which our group had touched upon eye-opening topics such as teen brain development and shared with one another our problems and challenges on a deeply emotional level.

But this session was different - the focus was on parent-child communication, on how, in a practical sense, to build and maintain open relationships with our teens.  The course, “Stepping into the Fray, Common Sense Strategies for Parenting Teens”  was solution-oriented, offering practical ideas to bring to the table when trying to engage our quirky, moody and sometimes overwhelmed teens. 

Licensed psychologist Tammy Finch, PhD took our group of 6 moms and 3 dads, through a thought-provoking, often humorous power point presentation touching upon the challenges/stresses today's teens face, opening with a brief discussion of how our teen years were different than those of our kids’ (a short discussion that could have probably been an hour-long!).

She covered the nuts and bolts of the “Developmental Tasks of Adolescence”  (see Page at sidebar) – talking of the array of complex intellectual and emotional issues teens struggle to make sense of during these formative years. Bringing the focus quickly onto skill-building,  Dr. Finch talked of the helpful, loving role a parent can play in assisting their child with the hard stuff they face on a daily basis.  She introduced the concept of parent as “coach” or “leader” to help kids navigate the turbulent waters of adolescence – growing up as a collaborative process.

This idea is very different than that of the “helicopter parent”, an oft-used term with a negative connotation.  Dr. Finch suggested a different interpretation of the term:  imagine our teen in a war zone, with unseen dangers looming. In this analogy, the parent hovers attentively above, so that he/she has a clear view of what’s going on, and can float down to assist the child when help is truly needed.  The perspective from ‘above’ offers more clarity that the intense, on-the-ground eye view.  This parent is not swooping in to micro-manage or fix things for their child, but rather, is calmly floating in to guide him/her to a place of safety.

The experience of the workshop was a bit of an emotional roller coaster for me, as are many situations in which I take the time to examine, as objectively and honestly as I am able, my everyday, down and dirty behaviors and interactions with my teens.  Over the course of the 90-minute session I felt all of the emotions expressed in the title, and more.  As Dr. Finch shared a practical list of  “Dos and Don’ts” of Communication (see Page, sidebar): ahh, sweet validation – “I am doing that”. (Thank goodness, I’m not a complete failure as a parent!)  Followed quickly by shock - “Holy Moly, the girls are doing WHAT in the high school restrooms?”  - and fear – dear Lord, please help me find the courage to talk to my teen about that.

And ultimately…inspiration. This facilitator was so good, so positive and warmly encouraging, that I left feeling up to the challenge of parenting a bit more courageously, willing to walk more intrepidly through some of the hard stuff, with my teen – a partner in his process.

Classes like these are awesome for me, they shake up my world and rock my perspective just a tad bit, nudging me to take a look at things I can be doing better, new strategies I can try as a parent.    Dr. Finch shared quite a few hands-on tips in her workshop – on listening skills, ways of talking about issues, the use of “powerful questions” – many thought-provoking topics, full of substance.

Subsequent blog posts may further examine some of the topics covered by Dr. Finch.  (However, it’s important to note that these notes will never take the place of her  personalized, highly skilled and common sense-oriented “live” presentations.  SKILLSENSE**,  the company founded by Dr. Tammy Finch, is dedicated to training and facilitating the formation of deeper personal relationships within families.) 

Thank you, Center for Hope and Healing, for providing our community with such amazing and empowering educational opportunities! 


posted by:  L. Cozzolino
any opinions expressed herein are mine.




*  stpaulscary.org, Adult Ed tab - MOMS=Ministry of Mothers Sharing

** SKILLSENSE - skillsense.org