...and
all on a regular Tuesday night! I felt
all of these things this past week, as an attendee of the Center for Hope and Healing-sponsored program geared to parents of teens. To be honest, I'd walked
into the class not expecting to learn a huge amount - for I'd taken a course
over the summer (St. Pauls' excellent MOMS sessions*) in which our group had
touched upon eye-opening topics such as teen brain development and shared with
one another our problems and challenges on a deeply emotional level.
But
this session was different - the focus was on parent-child communication, on
how, in a practical sense, to build and maintain open relationships with our teens. The course, “Stepping into the Fray, Common
Sense Strategies for Parenting Teens” was solution-oriented, offering
practical ideas to bring to the table when trying to engage our quirky, moody and sometimes overwhelmed teens.
Licensed
psychologist Tammy Finch, PhD took our group of 6 moms and 3 dads, through a
thought-provoking, often humorous power point presentation touching upon the
challenges/stresses today's teens face, opening with a brief discussion of how our teen
years were different than those of our kids’ (a short discussion that could
have probably been an hour-long!).
She
covered the nuts and bolts of the “Developmental Tasks of Adolescence” (see Page at sidebar) – talking of the array of
complex intellectual and emotional issues teens struggle to make sense of
during these formative years. Bringing the focus quickly onto
skill-building, Dr. Finch talked of the
helpful, loving role a parent can play in assisting their child with the hard
stuff they face on a daily basis. She
introduced the concept of parent as “coach” or “leader” to help kids navigate
the turbulent waters of adolescence – growing up as a collaborative process.
This
idea is very different than that of the “helicopter parent”, an oft-used term
with a negative connotation. Dr. Finch
suggested a different interpretation of the term: imagine our teen in a war zone, with unseen
dangers looming. In this analogy, the parent hovers attentively above, so that
he/she has a clear view of what’s going on, and can float down to assist the
child when help is truly needed. The
perspective from ‘above’ offers more clarity that the intense, on-the-ground
eye view. This parent is not swooping in
to micro-manage or fix things for their child, but rather, is calmly floating
in to guide him/her to a place of safety.
The
experience of the workshop was a bit of an emotional roller coaster for me, as
are many situations in which I take the time to examine, as objectively and
honestly as I am able, my everyday, down and dirty behaviors and interactions with
my teens. Over the course of the 90-minute
session I felt all of the emotions expressed in the title, and more. As Dr. Finch shared a practical list of “Dos and Don’ts” of Communication (see Page, sidebar): ahh, sweet validation – “I
am doing that”. (Thank goodness, I’m not
a complete failure as a parent!) Followed
quickly by shock - “Holy Moly, the girls are doing WHAT in the high school
restrooms?” - and fear – dear Lord, please help me find the courage
to talk to my teen about that.
And
ultimately…inspiration. This facilitator was so good, so positive and warmly
encouraging, that I left feeling up to the
challenge of parenting a bit more courageously, willing to walk more intrepidly through some of the hard stuff, with my teen – a partner in his
process.
Classes
like these are awesome for me, they shake up my world and rock my perspective
just a tad bit, nudging me to take a look at things I can be doing better, new
strategies I can try as a parent. Dr. Finch shared quite a few hands-on tips in
her workshop – on listening skills, ways of talking about issues, the use of
“powerful questions” – many thought-provoking topics, full of substance.
Subsequent
blog posts may further examine some of the topics covered by Dr. Finch. (However, it’s important to note that these
notes will never take the place of her personalized, highly skilled and common sense-oriented
“live” presentations. SKILLSENSE**, the
company founded by Dr. Tammy Finch, is dedicated to training and facilitating
the formation of deeper personal relationships within families.)
Thank you,
Center for Hope and Healing, for providing our community with such amazing and
empowering educational opportunities!
posted by: L. Cozzolino
any opinions expressed herein are mine.
* stpaulscary.org, Adult Ed tab - MOMS=Ministry of Mothers Sharing
posted by: L. Cozzolino
any opinions expressed herein are mine.
* stpaulscary.org, Adult Ed tab - MOMS=Ministry of Mothers Sharing
** SKILLSENSE - skillsense.org
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