Then, and Now

As a recent participant in the workshop “Stepping into the Fray: Common Sense Strategies for Parenting Teens”, I got to pondering my own youth and to thinking more and more about the world my teenage sons are experiencing, versus the world in which I grew up just a few decades back.

One of the first things covered in this workshop, presented by Dr. Tammy Finch, SKILLSENSE, to the Center for Hope and Healing, was a kind of “now” vs. “then” discussion among parent participants. As we all know, so much has changed in the past few decades! Our group found it to be a helpful exercise to really look at some of these changes in depth, to better grasp the challenges our kids face – the insidiousness of kids’ social posturing (things like cyber bullying), the intrusiveness of electronics (24/7 text messaging), mounting academic pressure in addition to the old standbys – sex, drugs, alcohol.

WHAT KIDS FACE TODAY

No, this is not 80's - gone is the big hair, dorky warm-up suits and feathered hair of my adolescence. Overall, today's kids look more casual and relaxed in their outward appearance, however, they are typically dealing with more anxiety and stress than we were at this stage in their development.

Yes, our kids deal with some of the same age-old stuff we did - concern about wearing the "right" clothes (name-brand Fair Isle sweaters vs. Aeropostle hoodies) and fitting in, finding a comfortable group of friends - playing with different modes of self expression. My coolest high school friend, who changed her hair color every few months, grew up to become a successful attorney in Manhattan. A shy girl myself, I loved my brash friend's independent spirit; she was an early model of self-assurance for me. Her mom was a social worker who sighed through every color change yet loved and supported her daughter unconditionally. Dr. Finch talked of this age-old quest for self-identity, an integral part of growing up, and how our girls with the pink (or blue, or….) hair are not seeking to freak us out; they are searching for a clearer sense of themselves.  Our teens strive to develop a sense of autonomy, of independence,  and to "separate" a little from their ever-loving but sometimes overbearing parents.

And yes, we had drugs in the 80’s, quite a few of them, if memory serves. However, today's kids not only deal with exposure to booze and pot, but also with a huge array of prescription drugs as well – lifted from parents’ medicine cabinets or pirated from siblings’ (or their own) stashes of ADD meds. At Dr. Finch’s session I learned that today's marijuana is often laced with potent additives, and that kids are doing much more than smoking in the boys’ (or girls’) room. The 24/7 access kids have to one another via cell phone and the Internet gives them no space or rest time away from a frenetic social scene.

Risk-taking behavior seems like it's nearing an all-time high, with news stories about kids hurting themselves in all sorts of awful ways - drinking and driving, using/dealing prescription drugs at school, “choking” games, cutting, stressing themselves out to the nth degree due to academic pressure or the intense desire to emulate an unhealthy media-defined new concept of beauty. Today it’s not just the “stoner” types who are doing drugs, it’s also entrepreneurial affluent kids, selling ADD drugs to ambitious students in pursuit of ever-higher GPAs.

Serious, emotional stuff - the kind of issues many of our own parents would not touch with a ten-foot pole. Sure, they loved us, but for whatever reason - the stoicism of their own upbringing, the lack of knowledge of child development, the heavy-handed authoritarianism of their own parents - they lacked the resources to truly address the Big Stuff going on in our external world (sex, drugs, etc.) and within our internal worlds (stress/anxiety, body image, peer relationships). So we had to navigate some of the hardest issues on our own, with the help of our friends, books, and if we were lucky, a helpful adult mentor along the way.

PARENTING TODAY

Indeed, thinking about all of the pressures our young teens face nowadays – really does soften my heart for when my surly boy bounds through the front door in the afternoon, heading straight for his Facebook page on the home computer without a word to me. I have learned to hang back, to resist my urge to bombard him with “how was your day” chattiness – and to wait, just to be available when he is ready to talk. I have learned how to respect his need for space, and how to follow his cues so that I can “be there” when it counts. I have misstepped many a time along the way...but the more I learn and try (quietly, patiently), the better things seem to get in our relationship.

And so rather than lapsing into woe and anxiety when I think about all of the awful stuff that’s part of our kids’ lives these days, I find I’m not dismayed or daunted. Rather, I have begun to feel empowered because of the information I’ve gained, by the support I’ve sought out, and by the skills I’ve been building. I feel more capable and able to support my adolescent children because I’ve invested in putting together my personal teenage parenting “toolbox”.

One of the coolest things, I think, about parenting today is the wealth of information that we have now. The field of child development, and mental health in general, has grown so much – yielding a plethora of information, available for us to share! Through the Internet, live seminars like the ones hosted by the Center for Hope and Healing, via parent-to-parent support groups, and through compassionate sharing among one another – opportunities to learn and to grow as parents abound. What a wonderful thing when we are able to open up to one another, to share our challenges and successes. 

Our willingness to build skills so that we can better support our children through these tough teen years may make all the difference in their lives as healthy, balanced adults, and I find this to be truly hopeful.  And so off to another workshop I will go!   Whatever it takes.


P.S.
So, next week I'm off to explore the world of young men... "Where are Superheroes When You Need Them Most? Parenting Teen Boys".   It's taking place at St. Paul's on Tuesday, March 6 (7-8:30PM).  Visit the CHH website for Program info.


Maybe I'll see you there!   posted by Linda Cozzolino