Validated, Shocked, & Inspired...

...and all on a regular Tuesday night!  I felt all of these things this past week, as an attendee of the Center for Hope and Healing-sponsored program geared to parents of teens. To be honest, I'd walked into the class not expecting to learn a huge amount - for I'd taken a course over the summer (St. Pauls' excellent MOMS sessions*) in which our group had touched upon eye-opening topics such as teen brain development and shared with one another our problems and challenges on a deeply emotional level.

But this session was different - the focus was on parent-child communication, on how, in a practical sense, to build and maintain open relationships with our teens.  The course, “Stepping into the Fray, Common Sense Strategies for Parenting Teens”  was solution-oriented, offering practical ideas to bring to the table when trying to engage our quirky, moody and sometimes overwhelmed teens. 

Licensed psychologist Tammy Finch, PhD took our group of 6 moms and 3 dads, through a thought-provoking, often humorous power point presentation touching upon the challenges/stresses today's teens face, opening with a brief discussion of how our teen years were different than those of our kids’ (a short discussion that could have probably been an hour-long!).

She covered the nuts and bolts of the “Developmental Tasks of Adolescence”  (see Page at sidebar) – talking of the array of complex intellectual and emotional issues teens struggle to make sense of during these formative years. Bringing the focus quickly onto skill-building,  Dr. Finch talked of the helpful, loving role a parent can play in assisting their child with the hard stuff they face on a daily basis.  She introduced the concept of parent as “coach” or “leader” to help kids navigate the turbulent waters of adolescence – growing up as a collaborative process.

This idea is very different than that of the “helicopter parent”, an oft-used term with a negative connotation.  Dr. Finch suggested a different interpretation of the term:  imagine our teen in a war zone, with unseen dangers looming. In this analogy, the parent hovers attentively above, so that he/she has a clear view of what’s going on, and can float down to assist the child when help is truly needed.  The perspective from ‘above’ offers more clarity that the intense, on-the-ground eye view.  This parent is not swooping in to micro-manage or fix things for their child, but rather, is calmly floating in to guide him/her to a place of safety.

The experience of the workshop was a bit of an emotional roller coaster for me, as are many situations in which I take the time to examine, as objectively and honestly as I am able, my everyday, down and dirty behaviors and interactions with my teens.  Over the course of the 90-minute session I felt all of the emotions expressed in the title, and more.  As Dr. Finch shared a practical list of  “Dos and Don’ts” of Communication (see Page, sidebar): ahh, sweet validation – “I am doing that”. (Thank goodness, I’m not a complete failure as a parent!)  Followed quickly by shock - “Holy Moly, the girls are doing WHAT in the high school restrooms?”  - and fear – dear Lord, please help me find the courage to talk to my teen about that.

And ultimately…inspiration. This facilitator was so good, so positive and warmly encouraging, that I left feeling up to the challenge of parenting a bit more courageously, willing to walk more intrepidly through some of the hard stuff, with my teen – a partner in his process.

Classes like these are awesome for me, they shake up my world and rock my perspective just a tad bit, nudging me to take a look at things I can be doing better, new strategies I can try as a parent.    Dr. Finch shared quite a few hands-on tips in her workshop – on listening skills, ways of talking about issues, the use of “powerful questions” – many thought-provoking topics, full of substance.

Subsequent blog posts may further examine some of the topics covered by Dr. Finch.  (However, it’s important to note that these notes will never take the place of her  personalized, highly skilled and common sense-oriented “live” presentations.  SKILLSENSE**,  the company founded by Dr. Tammy Finch, is dedicated to training and facilitating the formation of deeper personal relationships within families.) 

Thank you, Center for Hope and Healing, for providing our community with such amazing and empowering educational opportunities! 


posted by:  L. Cozzolino
any opinions expressed herein are mine.




*  stpaulscary.org, Adult Ed tab - MOMS=Ministry of Mothers Sharing

** SKILLSENSE - skillsense.org